Road trip: Planning Stops and Meals

Deb

It is summer and that means travel season. For many families this can be a dreaded drive in the car with young children. For my family it means our annual three day drive to California to visit my husband’s family. Now three days stuck in your car is not pleasant for anyone even just by yourself, but put three kids in the back, 6 and under, and it becomes a little more chaotic. So how do we keep our sanity?

Set Rules for Stopping that Everyone can Abide by

Each year, before we set off on our road trip, my husband and I discuss what our stopping rules are. Last year when we traveled, we had a 2 month old (who was nursing), 2 year old, and 5 year old. Our rule when we traveled was that we only stop to feed the baby.  This meant that we had to monitor liquid intake on everyone so those emergency bathroom breaks weren’t necessary. It also meant that we needed car snacks to get us through hunger if it struck while the baby was napping or content in her car seat.

This year we have a 1 year old, 3 year old, and 6 year old. Our stopping rule for this year is for food (meals). We plan to stop only around meal times. This is so when we do stop we are able to stop for an extended period time to let everyone get out and stretch. Even with only stopping for food, we still still be stop every three to four hours.

We find that the three days seem to take even longer if we don’t have a plan to stop. We have even found ourselves stopping every hour and a half at times, which when you stop with three kids is at least a half an hour stop just getting everyone in and out of the car let alone using the restroom or stretching. If we limit ourselves to stopping for set reasons, we are able to have longer stops and still feel like we are getting to where we want to go in a decent amount of time.

Where to Stop

So you know when your stopping, but now you need to decide where to stop. We like to stop at places where our kids can run off energy and also accomplish the purpose of the stop (eating).  We will try to make our stops at places where our kids can freely run around. This may mean a Fast Food restaurant with a play place, a rest stop, or even trying to find a park not too far off the freeway.

How to Stop

We have a routine we follow whenever we stop. It’s many times a plan of divide and conquer. Usually who gets to go first is the adult that needs to use the bathroom the most. For example, I may be using the restroom first so I would take our 6 year old daughter with me. We would head into the restroom at whatever location we stopped at. My husband would be releasing our other two children from car seats. I would bring our daughter and myself back to the car, grab the 1 year old, while he and our son would go use the facilities. If this is at a restaurant, I would be figuring out what the kids and I would be eating. If this is at a rest stop, I would be getting out the food and supplies, we had brought along with us, and getting ready to eat.

When we stop for food, there are a few things we try to do in order to preserve our sanity and well-being. We tend to feel pretty crappy if all we do is eat fast food for three days. The first day or so we try to carry at least one meal a day with us. After that food is gone, we try to stop once a day at an actual sit down restaurant.  We do this so we are able to order vegetables or fruit. When we stop at places where the kids can play, we try to let them play the whole time we are stopped. They eat when we get back in the car so they get as much energy out as possible. If we have to stop someplace where there is no place for them to safely run and play, we try to go for a walk before getting back in the car. (We try not to have this happen.)

 

 

 

 

Baby #3 | Third Trimester Recap

Juli

Spoiler Alert: I already had the baby.  But how does one recap something that isn’t over yet?

third trimester pregnancy photo

Third Trimester Recap

Feeling: Oh. My. Word.  I’m not sure if it’s the third baby thing, or the being-30 thing, but this pregnancy is kicking my butt!  I’ve got all kinds of ligament and pelvic pain I’ve never had before, this bump seems to weigh a hundred pounds, and I’m struggling to enjoy the end of this pregnancy because of it!  Trying to maintain perspective, that all of these aches and pains will soon switch to postpartum aches and pains, which are at least different!

Eating: EVERYTHING.  Since I’m not worried about swelling anymore (My feet always swell the last few weeks) I have gone back to carbs.  And chocolate.  And carbs with chocolate.  Essentially I want to eat  chocolate chip cookies all day every day.  And my oldest son just had a big confirmation party, so we’ve got chips and desserts all over the place that I’m packing away with no apologies.

Trying: To really savor the end of this pregnancy, and my time with my three boys before child #4 enters the picture.  My time with my personal space before someone is attached to me 24/7 for the next few months.  Trying to live very in-the-moment and not wish the days away, since this may be my last pregnancy (not that I’m really in control of that, now am I.)

Working on:  Not going into labor before our school musical (hubby and I put on the school musical every year.)  As in, sitting on the couch all day every day until the day of the musical, hoping to not mess it up for everyone!
Also actually being packed ahead of time.  I’ve never packed a “hospital” bag until I’m actually in early labor (it gives me something to do while waiting for active labor) but with this being baby #3 and living 45 minutes from my birth center, I think it wise to be pre-packed this time.

The Prayers of a Mother

Juli

My mother (and other wise mothers in my life) have always admonished me that prayer is a mother’s most powerful tool.  That having children of my own would cause me the height of all worry, and, in turn, anxious prayer.

They were right.

prayers of a mother

In no particular order, a prayer that:

That my toddlers don’t manage to poison themselves while I take a 5 minute shower

That someone is kind to my 13-year-old on his first day of a new school

That there is enough juice so I can avoid going to the store another day

That none of my children get hit by cars

That the dog isn’t foolish enough to get hit by a car, either, because it would devastate the kids

That whatever that banging noise is down the hall, is doesn’t cause permanent damage

That other people’s children who are unattended don’t fall through the ice on the river across the street

That I might have 5 minutes a day alone with my baby when he/she arrives

That my overly-affectionate toddler doesn’t actually throw or squash the babies he loves so much

That I’m not ruining my children by letting them watch Daniel Tiger

That I’m not giving my children diabetes by letting them drink gallons of orange juice

That the mysterious stain will come out of the couch upholstery.

That I will suddenly find patience, today

That no one shows up unannounced, because it’s so messy here

That some one will show up unannounced, because it’s lonely here sometimes

That no one gets sick and causes us to cancel our vacation plans

That my 4 year old won’t require stitches from learning to cut his fingernails

That I won’t get irretrievably fat from eating so much garbage while pregnant

That the baby gear I bought on Amazon isn’t poisonous or faulty

That my savvy 4-year-old doesn’t learn how to unbuckle his own car seat

That my 2-year-old will learn to use a toilet consistently before he’s 18

That “I NEED A BANDAID” is, as usual, a false alarm.

 

There are so, so many more.  But those mothers weren’t kidding – and it’s not formal, sit down type praying over my children.  It’s a constant running request line, almost subconscious, the alternative to which is constant panic.  Because I’m only one mother, and I only have two hands and two eyes (one of which doesn’t work very well) and I’m uncoordinated, out of shape, and any number of other faults that prevent me from being SuperMom.

 

 

 

Baby #3 | Second Trimester Recap

Juli

At the time of writing, I’m significantly past my second trimester.  Sorry not sorry.  There are, like, a lot of kids here.

second trimester recap

 

Second Trimester Recap:

Feeling – Mood swing-y.  I never experienced this in previous pregnancies, so I don’t know if it’s a new symptom of this one, or just that I now have so many more children at home whose behaviors I’m responding to.  But let me tell you, I’ve been CRABBY.
Also, I have more physical discomfort this time around.  I blame my not-quite-healed diastasis recti from last pregnancy, so I don’t have the ab support I need this time around.  I’ve got a bum hip, some serious ligament pain, and overall more waddle than usual!

Eating – Anything now, though I’m trying to be low carb per my midwife’s suggestion, to avoid fluid retention (which started to rear it’s ugly head early!)

Trying – So many supplements!  I’m using Floradix to boost my iron now, still taking daily magnesium, and using a more natural prenatal vitamin.  I notice the days I forget to take them!

Working on – Getting the house and other kids prepared for baby.  That means getting bunk beds for the two littles, trying to figure out where to put the baby to sleep, and talking about what newborns need and are like with both the highly-invested 2-year-old and the actually-capable-of-helping 13-year-old.

The Witching Hour

Juli

Thoughts while sitting on the floor outside my 4-year-old’s room, listening to him scream and holding the door shut with my foot.

 

I can’t believe I’m in for another hour and a half of this.

My butt hurts.

My back hurts.

Scratch that, everything hurts.  I’m 6 months pregnant, for crying out loud.  This is not the best time to be sitting in my hallway on the floor for hours.

There has got to be a better (but still fitting) punishment than “timeout until Daddy comes home.”

Maybe the real problem is Daddy doesn’t come home early enough in the day.

It’s adorable that my 2-year-old thinks he needs to hold vigil here with me, chewing graham cracker crumbs all over the place and looking sympathetic.

Bet the teenager wishes he had something to do today after school.  Is it possible he will go stark raving mad before  5 pm, with all this screaming?

This would be a whole lot easier if I put his doorknob on backwards so it locked from the outside.  I’m sure that’s illegal.

This would also be easier if I was sitting with a glass of wine instead of coffee.  Pregnancy strikes again.

I wonder how dinner is going to get made.

I need to go through the baby clothes sometime and size them carefully and discard the super old stained ones.

Forgot to take the Christmas wreath off the kids’ door.  One decoration always gets left behind. Every year.

This toy chest my dad built the kids makes a great coffee table.  Being that it’s out here in the hallway with me.  Because the little boys were using it to climb up and open windows in the dead of winter.  Naturally.

Aaaaaand now my leg is asleep.

Somedaaaaay my prince will cooooome (at 5 pm.)

Now the dog has joined the camp-out.  If only this were actually for fun.

The screaming seems to have stopped.  What a relief.

Laptop has entered dim-to-save-battery mode.  Joy.

Is that the front door opening?  IS IT?!  I can’t leave my vigil to go and see, but dear sweet bejebus, I think it’s over.

How Outlander Revived My Marriage

Juli

Yes, Outlander the TV series.

Revived my (Christian, commited, monogamous, first and only) marriage.

If you’re not familiar with the book series or STARZ show, please know that neither are safe for work or children, and this post may not be entirely PG either.

how outlander revived my marriage

Let’s start from a place of clear understanding:

My marriage has never been, per say, “in danger.”  I don’t have “problems” that really need “saving.”  (Hence why I chose the word “revived” not “saved.”)  My husband is wonderful.  We’ve built quite a life for ourselves out of nothing but tenacity and elbow grease.  He’s a model father.  I have no complaints.

What I did have was complacency.

Now, Outlander is quite the spectacle, as TV shows go.  Being that it’s made for cable, it can get away with far more risque material than a network TV series could.  I actually don’t know what it’s technically rated, but it’s definitely racy, scandalous, graphically violent, and sexual in nature.  There is nudity – quite a  bit of it.  There are intimate scenes in nearly every episode.  There is rape, and murder, and foul language, and all sorts of things that I wouldn’t guess would be beneficial to any marriage, and certainly not to a Christian one.  I feel like saying “Outlander revived my marriage” sounds outrageous, like those who claim viewing pornography enhances their marriage (it doesn’t.)

But hear me out.

What struck me about this show, hooked me, and kept me (binge) watching through all 3 available seasons, was the marriage of the two main characters.  Yes, they are very physically attractive people, and yes the drama of the plot sucks you in.  But what captured me right from the get-go was the fact that their relationship is, foremost, a marriage.  All of those sensual scenes take place within the context of marriage.  And their fictional marriage is actually built on an extreme commitment, rarely found in stories (and probably even in real life.)

Of course it’s sensationalized. No real couple would face even half of the perils these two face, and in Western society it’s highly doubtful that a marriage would be agreed to under the circumstances theirs was.  I’m not crazy.

But let me tell you, as the parents of four children, in our 8th year of marriage, there was a chasm of possibilities between where we were and where Jamie and Claire were.

————-

I wouldn’t choose “bored” to describe how I felt about my marriage.  My husband is, in all honesty, the funniest and most interesting person I know.  I would gladly spend all day every day just talking to this guy about any random topic that presented itself.

Perhaps ” too comfortable” could begin to label it.  So comfortable that I no longer felt any pressure to prove my commitment, display particular physical affection, or act on my job as life partner to my husband.

As I watched the (extremely dramatic) marriage of Jamie and Claire play out on the screen, I was reminded to  do all of these things.  I was reminded that part of what makes the beginning of a marriage exciting and wonderful is the intentional behavior of the spouses.  That adversity (which I don’t actually have right now) can drive people together because it forces them to go to bat for each other, and fight for their spouse (though usually not with actual weapons.)  That a person needs to dig deep to support their spouse, needs to display outwardly the unconditional commitment they chose to pledge that person.

————-

The series is so well-acted and beautifully filmed that it is extremely poignant.  It stuck with me, every episode of it, and quickly wormed its way into my subconscious and began affecting my behavior.  Often, media affecting behavior is a bad thing, but in this case it caused me to be a better wife.

As I watched Jamie’s character and read many envious real-life women lament the lack of “real gentleman” in their husbands, I realized I have a Jamie.  I certainly hope my husband never finds himself leading a rebel army, tortured in prison, shipwrecked, etc, but he certainly possesses the same unwavering commitment to me and treasures me the way Jamie does Claire.  He’s tried to tell me as much before, and I always treated it as romantic nothings.  Watching a fictional character play out these qualities in an arranged marriage apparently drove it home for me.

And I watched what sorts of things could be overcome, forgiven, smoothed over, and healed by a wife.  How a strong wife can really be half of a dynamic team, without emasculating the husband.  How allowing him to revere her (rather than cutting herself down) can strengthen the marriage and validate him.  How many different levels of intimacy can be present in a healthy marriage, how they could possibly play out in day-to-day settings, how integral sex really is to a marriage.

————-

Could I have figured this out some other way?  Sure!  Are these all facts I have read and heard before?  Yes.  Did I have head knowledge of all of this and still stubbornly refuse to use it?  You bet.

Something about my consumption of this series got my attention in the way books, experts, and even my own husband have never gotten my attention before.  And in the weeks since I watched it, I’ve been a much better partner in so many ways, and have been actively enjoying my marriage like never before.  In a fair number of ways, our relationship is the best it’s ever been (leaving up to your imagination what ways those are!)

And none of this is coming from a lustful place.  None of it is imagining I’m with someone else, or pretending my life includes people or situations it does not. These kinds of fantasies can sometimes give a false notion of marital improvement, but actually are harmful long term.  It is entirely recognizing my own amazing husband and my own shortcomings within the fiction.

What’s something unexpected that has improved your marriage?

Book Review : Parenting with Love and Logic

Juli

Where to begin with this book – simply, I love it.

I’ve read Love and Logic: The Toddler Years earlier this year, and I liked that and have used the methods I learned with my very stubborn 3-year-old.  But since adding a 13-year-old to our family, I felt that I needed to read the method as it pertained to older children.

Book Review: Parenting with Love and Logic

Firstly, about the format of this book.  The first half of the book explains the how and why of the Love & Logic method, while the second half is what the authors call “pearls.”  Essentially, two-page snippets arranged alphabetically by topic, covering everything from allowances to whining.

I have been convinced since before ever becoming a  parent that I would be neither a helicopter parent nor an authoritarian parent.  (Thanks to my years as a middle school teacher, I had the benefit of watching many parents try these methods, and end up with non-functional children.)  The Love & Logic approach stresses above all else that parents teach and allow their children to make their own decisions and their own mistakes.

This takes so much stress off of the parent, as I have continually reminded myself since finishing this book, “Problems they create for themselves are not your problems.”  For example, I provided guidance for my 13-year-old about what might be a good time to set his alarm for, and made sure he knew how to use said alarm.  I made certain he understood what time school starts and how many minutes it takes to walk there.  If he spends too long in the shower, too long packing his lunch, too long eating his breakfast, and ends up late to school, this is his problem.  It is not my problem.  He has not affected my life directly.  School will hand down a consequence because it affects school, and that will be that.

Likewise with running out of clean laundry (taught him how to do the laundry and gave him a choice of days the washer would always be available.)  And leaving his possessions where his little brothers can ruin them (provided with his own room that I keep the little boys out of.)  The authors surmise that children don’t care or worry about items and situations that they know their parents are worrying about already.

What a relief!
I can mentally check off dozens of situations and decisions each day that are not my problem.  It frees me up to teach, mentor, and bond with my teen instead of constantly nagging.

Let’s be real: the nagging never works, anyway.  He would forget things and neglect things whether or not I nagged, so I may as well minimize irritation for both of us and just not nag.

This approach (and all the books on the method) are especially helpful in that they provide a dialogue for speaking to your kids.  If a child is very negative, defensive, argumentative, shut down, etc. the books offer actual scripts of how a parent could respond calmly, and still leaving room for the child to make his/her own decisions and feel his/her feelings.

This parenting approach is also unique in that it lives hand in hand with the concept of parent self-care.  By lowering stress and helping our children take control of their own decisions and problems, we are taking care of ourselves.  It is self care to sometimes say “No” to a child’s request because you’re tired or want to do something else.  This parenting approach allows the whole family to be healthy, in contrast to many parenting theories and books that show parents the many ways they could be doing more and more and more to try and guarantee success for their children.  It actually equips parents to do LESS, but BETTER.

Available on Amazon (affiliate link)

10/10 Would recommend!

Photo Christmas Cards & Minimalism

Juli

These may seem like opposite ideas: buying and sending photo Christmas cards, and being a minimalist.

Hear me out

photo christmas cards and minimalism

When I first set about simplifying my life, researching minimalism, and KonMari-ing my home, I had a guiding principle: I would not do anything that was LESS convenient or MORE stressful in the name of minimalism.  I would follow simple living down any rabbit hole I desired, but not into making more work for myself.

And this is the kind of moderation I still practice.  I do not count my possessions, because frankly I don’t have time and that probably doesn’t matter in the end, anyway.  I don’t purge things just for the sake of purging them, if they’re still serving me.  I sometimes even buy things if it becomes apparent that they would be very useful and make my daily life easier and less stressful.

*gasp*

One of the things that remains in my life is photo Christmas cards.

Hear me out.

Yes, it costs some money to send these.  I try to spend about 30 cents a card (I have found the best prices every year through Walmart.) Add to that the nearly 50 cents of current postage, and it costs about 80 cents per card.  I order 60 cards (this number has increased in recent years) so I spend about 50 dollars per Christmas.

This may seem excessive, but I choose to do it this way because I detest writing out actual Christmas cards.  The first few years of our marriage I sent out handwritten Christmas cards (cutting the cost down to more like $25) but it took me a month to get it done, and I dreaded every card.  I’m terrible at small talk, and writing out a Christmas card is, to me, just more small talk.

Yes, it’s a little commercial… tooting one’s own horn… “typical American”… all things I try not to be in my personal life.  But this is the ONLY time of year we take a family photo, and the only photo of my children that I distribute.  So I do not indulge in photo sessions, prints, grandparent photos, etc.  I keep my Christmas greetings and my family photo distribution to one single activity.

This is also how I announce additions to our family.  My oldest has just joined us this year, and this card is the most formal notice anyone is going to get.  My middle two sons were born in November, so the yearly Christmas card replaced any kind of baby announcements.  Even though the next is due in May, I included “& baby” on the list of names so at least people have an idea it’s happening.  Next year’s card will be this child’s first distributed photo, even though he/she will be several months old.

 

In my life, photo Christmas cards are killing multiple birds with one stone, and easy for me to make and send.  They cut down on stress, on the number of times I feel obligated to print photos or send notice of family events.  It’s a tradition I intend to continue for the foreseeable future, even if it isn’t the most “minimalist” thing ever.

Holiday Prep Work: Mental & Emotional

Juli

There’s mental prep work for the holidays?!

That’s a hard yes  Maybe it’s just because I’m an introvert.  It’s easy to make checklists and recipe books and get physically prepared and scheduled for the holidays, but it’s a little less cut-and-dry to get emotionally ready for the season.

mental preparation for holidays

To be honest, this post is inspired by breaking my own rule this year – no Christmas music before Thanksgiving.

I had this sudden, distinct feeling that if I didn’t start thinking about Christmas RIGHT NOW that it was going to fly by and I was going to miss it.  I think it’s because I have 3 1/2 children, so there’s rarely any down time to do verbs like savor, enjoy, relax, immerse, absorb.  (True confessions: I just had to look in a thesaurus to come up with the word “absorb.”  Preggo brain!)

So I turned on the Christmas music a few weeks early and I’m loving it.  New normal.

Music

This doesn’t have to limit itself to the Christmas 24/7 radio station.  Seek out other holiday music you enjoy – sacred music for Thanksgiving or Christmas, Hanukkah music (I like the Maccabeats and Barenaked Ladies for some out-of-the-box Hanukkah tunes), or just “winter” music (“I Wish I Had a River”, etc.)

Music has such a profound effect on human emotions.  It also has strong memory ties (much like scents) that can whisk us away to another time, other people, other Christmases.

Personally, I heard “Lo, How a Rose E’er Blooming” and was transported back to being a child in my home church.  I used to play the piano for Christmas services, did duets with my vocally-talented sister, played for the church choir… and those were great years.  I spent such time practicing that Christmas spirit came naturally.  I was back in the frilly Christmas dresses with the patent leather shoes, up in the church balcony, playing piano by candlelight.

There are certain songs that remind me of putting up the tree growing up – silly ones like “Santa Claus and Popcorn” and “Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey”.  I played my Mom’s Christmas records constantly while taking my sweet time setting up the tree.  I was the only one in the house who hauled out the records, ever, and also the only one who enjoyed putting up the Christmas trees (time-consuming, scratchy work, that) but it was always my personal time of reflection and preparation.  That trimming of the tree has become more of a family fiasco now, so it’s healthy for me to listen to the tunes and sit quietly with myself before the chaos begins!

Organization

Many people say the holiday season is “stressful.”  Is there anything more stressful than being disorganized and up against a deadline?  (Being naturally very disorganized, I think I have some expertise here…)

Every year I try to get one aspect of the holidays more organized.  One year, I streamlined and simplified my wrapping schema.  One year, I nailed down my definite recipes and decided to always take the same dish to the same event.  One year, I started keeping really good track of gift ideas, purchased gifts, and wrapped gifts to avoid the last-minute scramble upon finding someone got missed.  I printed out and laminated all of the inserts for my Advent calendar, so every year I just need to get them out and put them in their numbered doors, instead of reinventing activities every December.

Now with all these simplification and organization tools in place, I can come home from a shopping trip with a gift, quickly record it, and put it away to wrap later.  I know what I need on hand for baking, and when to start baking, and how much (so I’ve completely put it out of my mind until the day I need to begin, written in my planner.)

Traditions

They’re traditions for a reason.  They make us feel secure and happy and nostalgic.  (Secret: They’re also EASY! Because you do them every year!)

Traditional food means easy menu planning and grocery shopping.

Traditional decorations mean easy set-up and storage.

Traditional activities mean keeping the season alive for your kids without having to get too creative.

They put our minds at ease – kind of an ultimate hygge! – because they’re familiar and comfortable.  We know what to expect, and that we will enjoy it (even if the enjoyment is because it’s a corny tradition from childhood.)

Relish

Whatever that looks like for you.  As an introvert, that means I get out my Christmas coffee mug, turn on some Christmas music, and settle in with a Christmas movie or just watch my decorations sparkle in the darkness.  This is really centering for me amidst the potential chaos of the season (let’s be honest: ever day is a little chaotic around here.)  Sometimes I have to get up extra early or stay up pretty late to get these quiet moments in the dark, but they’re worth it to really steep myself in the holiday spirit.

If you’re an extrovert, this likely looks like get-togethers.  This can start early, with Friendsgivings already taking place in the weeks before Thanksgiving.  Keep these things casual if you wish, meeting for a holiday snack or a movie night, and enjoy the preparation for big events like company parties and New Year’s extravaganzas.  Picking out new outfits, planning meals and decorations, welcoming guests from out of town… the opportunity for social engagements this season is prime!

 

 

Baby #3 | First Trimester Recap

Juli

Long time no post.  Oops.

I’ve been using all my free time for snacking, napping, and growing a human.

Baby #3 (Kid #4) is due to arrive in May 2018!

pregnancy with baby #3

 

First Trimester Recap:

Feeling – Icky!  Tired!  Pretty typical.  This pregnancy has me more nauseated then the previous two, and I’ve been able to nap daily since I’m home full time.

Eating – Pretty much nothing but chocolate pudding, avocados, and spicy/tangy savory foods.  Everything else sounds disgusting, smells disgusting, etc.

Trying – Magnesium supplementation.  My midwife recommended this to help me sleep (such insomnia!) and eliminate restless legs and headaches. I think it’s been working pretty well, but lemme tell you… that Natural Calm does NOT taste good.  Yuck.

Working on – sleeping, and trying to keep up with the housework (failing, mostly.)  Not much baby prep yet, other than dreaming about expensive (*cough* Lily Jade *cough*) diaper bags and trying to mentally figure out where to stash a fourth kiddo in this house.