It’s kind of embarrassing when you watch me doing hobbies.
I know, we’ve lived together all this time, so this seems odd. But it’s true! I feel very self-conscious about my writing, whatever face I might make while reading, my sheet masks, my piano playing, my selfies, my thrift shopping. I’m always assuming you’re going to think what I love is silly. Even though I know, objectively, that’s probably not true. I’d rather hide that I’m doing hobbies than risk seeing a facial expression that reads, “how quaint and weird.”
I really hate your work parties.
I know I’m supposed to go be graceful and charming and schmooze all of your coworkers so they love you. It’s part of my job as your partner, and I know I bring a different set of skills to social functions than you do. But when I’m in the car on my way to the Christmas party, the back-to-school party, the Halloween party… I really really really want to vomit. I feel super anxious for days leading up to the dinner party we’re throwing, or the casual BBQ we put on in the summer. I don’t like these kinds of things, and they really stress me out.
When I want alone time, I mean ALONE time.
I mean I am the only person there. Not “you are in a different room than me” or “you’re being quiet” or “the kids are outside.” I mean I want to be completely alone in a space. This is why I try to beat everybody up in the morning. Also why I tend to leave and go get coffee by myself.
I have a lot of big feelings that I push down for the good of the family.
It is wildly unproductive to sit quietly and feel feelings. Thoughts and daydreams and processing doesn’t get the laundry/dishes/dusting done. When something exciting or frightening or stressful or hard or sad happens, I want nothing more than to be alone and work through it… but I usually don’t get to do that until much later. I might be very distracted or “off” while I’m waiting for my processing time. I feel guilty about that, but I can’t change my personality!
I’m not completely convinced you understand or value the way I think.
You’re a great man, and very kind and understanding on a whole. But I sometimes doubt if you truly comprehend my social anxiety, and how absolutely necessary it is for me to have “me time.” If you actually believe me when I tell you my short temper could be fixed by weekly coffee shop trips. If you really honestly think it’s possible for me to feel nauseous walking into public events. I have played the extroverted game for years as a survival mechanism, and sometimes I think I’ve even fooled you a little in regards to just how inward I really am.
I need warnings if you want to spend quality time.
Spending time with you is one of my very favorite things in the world! But it’s very possible that I’ve been looking forward all day to reading in bed, and I can’t help but be a little disappointed when you suggest watching a movie instead. Maybe I had an indulgent weekend of writing or yoga planned, and you spring up Saturday morning with an itch to disc golf. I would be FAR more enthusiastic about joining you if I didn’t have prior engagements (yes, time with myself counts as an appointment!)
My quietness does not reflect on you.
When we met, I seemed loud and vivacious and excited about everything. That’s because I was 15. Just because I have grown quieter over time does not mean I find you less amazing, or our life less wonderful, or that I’m talking to someone else or thinking about anything else. It is simply a reflection of having grown into my own skin, and being more present with my self. The fact that you’re the only person I reliably open up to means you’ll always be my #1. Don’t worry.
What would you like to confess, as an introverted spouse? You can do it here!
I’m not alone! I’ve known this for a long time. But it’s really nice to read your words. And thank God my husband gets me (mostly). 🙂
The alone time point is really speaking to me right now. COMPLETE alone time is so essential for introverts to recharge and resume with the interaction that comes with being in a family.
I am an introverted wife and work parties are definitely a struggle for me as well.
Definitely feel the quietness and being alone comments. We have a newborn so that alone time is much needed and missed right now.
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this. My biggest problem is telling my husband that I really want to be alone. It’s so hard to communicate that without making it sound like “I don’t want to spend time with you.” Quality time is 100% his love language, so it can be hurtful for him if I spend too much time by myself, yet it’s so draining for me to constantly spend my time interacting with him. He understands me, and I understand him, but it can be harder to live that out, you know? Thank you for the post, it’s encouraging to see it’s not just me!
I can so relate! Thanks for sharing now I don’t feel so alone on the subject.
This is so relatable. Something I really miss from my pre-children days is the silent alone time.
Very open article! I loved it. You sound exactly like my mom actually. My dad is a total extrovert like myself. I don’t have those feelings, but I definitely understand what you are saying.
Loved reading this! It is so relatable! I love spending time alone too. Sometimes you just need it!
I am so on board with your first comment! The only time I even show my man a project is if I need some constructive criticism because he is so honest. However, that doesn’t mean that he thinks I am silly or what I am doing is stupid (at least not always, ha! I am fully aware of when he won’t like what I am creating though).
It is more because I am self conscious during the creative process. A project shouldn’t be judged until it’s done, right? I have found that when he is impressed, it makes it all the sweeter 🙂
I truly loved reading this! It’s great to hear I’m not the only one. I hate being in the same room as my husband while I am working or being creative because I care too much about what he thinks and don’t want to be judged. I save most of the crafty projects for when he is gone or at work! Haha
I could have written this. I don’t particularly like my husband’s work functions either!!
OMG! Yes to all of this. I’m so saving this and showing my husband. He is a HUGE extrovert and doesn’t understand how I am. Thank you for this!
I’m with you on some of these things, because I’m also an introvert. Like the work parties thing, I can so relate- and ALONE TIME, yessssss!
Thanks for sharing, everyone is so different in how they recharge and what they need, it is nice to hear those needs communicated.
I can very much relate to this. When my husband asks, “Do you have work you need to do if I take the kids out of the house?” I just laugh and laugh because I could be alone for hours…days…weeks, and be perfectly content and come up with so many things to do. Blogging, reading, writing, creating, thinking, photography, making and drinking the perfect cup of coffee… Not sure the extroverts will ever completely understand our intense need to be alone with our thoughts, just like we will never completely understand how being around other people gives them energy. 😂